Lucy called. She talks in an angelic voice and calls me by name during the introductions. I place my feet on an imaginary walnut coffee table, clear my throat and in the most masculine voice, “Yes Lucy, how can I help you?” My conscious is sizzling hot, dressed in black Armani suit, black cowboy boots, a red tie and is smoking from a pipe. He removes his shades and is just about to hook them on the breast pocket when she continues.

“I am calling from Mshwari…” I feel the world around me revolve and I am quickly losing it so I hold onto a chair and spy around if anyone had seen the change of colour on my face. Thankfully I am black. Black people don’t flush red. We sweat. A thin, but embarrassing sweat that leaves our nose tips and foreheads shinning. Occasionally, sweat on our back runs along the spine, through the small of our back, to the valley of modesty.

See, three months ago I had signed an MOU with Bob Collymore and he gave me six thousand to refund within a month. Later he married Wambui and I thought that it cancelled out the loan, part of dowry you get.

imagesDear Customer, pay your loan of 4224 before 15/7/2016 to avoid being listed on C.R.B.

So I scampered for the window overlooking Majengo to have a candid talk with Sweet-talking Lucy and to avoid part of the dialogue from reaching my workmates ears.

“Samahani, sielewi Kizungu.” Actually at that time it had all deserted me.

She switches to Kiswahili and the next five minutes she issues threats, ultimatums, and tantrums over the four thousand shillings I owe them. Such a sexy feminine tone should be talking of how awesome the night was, or where we should dine next after the sundowners at Ole Tepes last Saturday. But I am the victim here and have to act it. I listen as she passes judgement.” You have five days to clear your loan before we forward your CRB. You understand the penalties and fines that attracts.”  I affirm just to get her off the line.

  1. Mshwari should employ a dude, perhaps a goon to do their dirty business, not well mannered, cute and sweet-talking Lucy’s.

Myeen, imagine that feminist rocking her small frame on a cozy reclining office chair in Safaricom House, having the time of her life as she listens to us beg for more time. I think she orders for hot coffee after our small talk and boasts about how she is making men wet their pants.

Lessons Learnt

  1. Pay your branch, KCB NA MSHWARI, Mshwari and Shylocks loans you become cream on their ice one day.
  2. Jezebel lives on.
  3. Safaricom ni wezi. I have done loans all my life with HELB and Saccos but none calls me at odd hours.

Away with my personal problems, today I was at church. I had to present my petition of atonement after sinful months of endless troubles. That’s how ten o’clock found me listening to the chiming bells and hymns outside All Saints. See, I had done laundry yesterday and none of my pants were dry, thanks to the gloomy weather so I donned this beanie and this shirt of one fifty you purchase on the rush outside Tuskys Pioneer. One thing I like about church is that everyone leaves their pride at home or in the parking lot and puts on the armor of humility.


Those extremely beautiful girls who walk with their noses in the sky also get to their knees, this time to praise. Those men with egos larger than their brains also bow, and even take part in activities like ushering, praise and worship and help in offertory. So I pick the service sheet at the reception desk and sit, strategically so that I don’t stand out as a visitor, close to the door just in case the Spirit comes down I will be the first one to rush out, and close enough not to miss the sounds from the band. I danced as the band did some Casting Crowns. Christian rock is so uplifting, listen to Who am I and confirm this. I also learnt that it’s the Anglican Church Disability Month. The sermon was on point, we share in disability; spiritually, emotionally or even physically but Christ enables us. I am thinking seriously about church.

Don’t you also enjoy being in a place where there is something for everyone. Unity in our diversity.

See you Sunday, All Saints Cathedral.